I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
