I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
