Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize