I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i just sent this text using only my big toe
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
