I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize