census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
