I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize