I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
