im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
