i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
