I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
