You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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