I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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