Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize