Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
