I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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