She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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