I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
