I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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