Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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