A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
