I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
