it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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