we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize