I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
