if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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