You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
