mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize