I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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