oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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