listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
