Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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