i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
