the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
