if i can run in heels then i can drive
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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