Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
