I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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