Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
