Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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