good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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