she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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