Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
