Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
