Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
The best revenge is premature balding
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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