Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
