Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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