you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
