There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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