In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
