i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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