Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
