Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I think I just sharted jello shots
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
