This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
just tell him i said nine months
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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