You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
