i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
