She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
