I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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