I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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