Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
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