remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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