Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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