There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
