He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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